wAsTiNg wOrDs...

and i wonder why i'm the way i am....

my grandfather died on thursday. he's being cremated and buried in the state's veterns cemetary near SR 50. the memorial service is friday.

i miss him.

it's not fair.




but when is life fair?

Last night was my first time closing by myself since becoming Assistant Front End Manager and it wasnt as bas as I thought it would be. I was actually all cought up until I got a call from my sister at work.....

Last week my grandfather went in for an angioplasty because half of his heart wasn't working properly. But when he was on the operating table he started to bleed out but they eventually stopped the bleeding. The next day after the surgery he had a heart attack. Then, a week later, he had a reaction to the dye and his kidneys stopped working. SO on the fouth day of his kidneys not working, they had to start dialysis which was yesterday. But when they were puting in the stent, he coded and flatlined and had to resussatate him and now the resperator is the only thing keeping him alive. The nurse said if anyone needs to say their goodbyes they should do it now. SO I left work and went up there. It was just horrible seeing him like that. I don't know how to describe it. Now my mom and Nana are waiting to here from the neurologist because they think he;s brain dead. They have 72 hours to make a decsion after seeing the doctor.

This is the firs ttime I could be losing someone close to me.

And I have to work 130-close and noone can cover me.

mmmkay whatever.

Well today was my last free therapy session. To say I've only been to 6 session, I've made a lot of progress. I'm definately not the person I was 6 weeks ago. I've dealt with many issues and still working on a few. I also realised and was enlightened on a certain situation in my past I've been avoiding for some time now. I jsut want the 11th to come and go faster than anything.

People are also different and frankly I could careless. I think people should deal with their own problems and rely on themselves for a change. Possibly see another therapist.... Maybe they're jealous. I don't know. I just want people to realize that they are important and should always come first before anyone else. Only you can make yourself happy. I don't think enough people realise that.

I went to Webster College today down in Holiday and they have an LPN class starting in July. I'm going to the information session tomorrow and hopefully I'll be taking the pretest within the next few weeks. Then hopefully I'll be accepted into the program and be an LPN working in a hospital by the summer of 2007. I think I'll eventually go for my RN and possibly for my Nurse Practioner License. I don't know what the future holds. I'm just gonna go with the flow.

Work is okay. Winn Dixie sucks the big one but it's money.

the.end.

I had  a dream last night and it was really weird. I can only remember tidbits but this is how it went.

Me, Renee, and Mark were looking at scarves that renee maid at a thrift store. it was white w/ lace and very ugly.

Scarf
To see a scarf in your dream, symbolizes self-restrictions. You may be too controlling of your emotions instead of expressing them. Or you may feel that your voice is being muffled.
Lace
To see lace in your dream, represents your sensuality and the  realization of your heart's desires. It may also indicate that you are being to practical in some area of your life.

the next part of my dream was that me and renee were in an aquarium and i was fighting a huge octopus/squid. idk what it was. and the water was really dark.

Aquarium
To see an aquarium in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going no where or that you feel it is going in circles. Alternatively, the aquarium may indicate that you need to calm down and set some time for yourself to relax and unwind.
Squid
To see a squid in your dream, suggests that unconsciously you are feeling threatened.  Your judgment may also be clouded. Perhaps you are not seeing things too clearly at the moment. Alternatively, it symbolizes greed. It is always about what you want.
Octopus
To see an octopus in your dream, signifies that you are entangled in some difficult matter or situation.
Water
       To see muddy or dirty water in your dream, indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to devote some time to clarify your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, it suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.

the next thing is i was in a movie theater with people from dighton and this one girl was really annoing me. then i started talking about this kid andrew i liked in 6th grade.

Movie Theater
To dream that you are in a movie theater, indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings/actions distant . You may be protecting yourself from experiencing them.
  

Annoyed
To feel annoyed in your dream, signifies that rivals are at work against you.

Childhood Friend
To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manner and you need to start acting like an adult.

then i was in my old house and i had to go to the bathroom. that bathroom was all white and i started to urinate and i had one door shut, but not the other.so i shut it and lock the door.

 
Home (family)
If you dream of visiting your old family home you will hear some very good news.

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself".  Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

White
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning

Urination
To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and release of negative or repressed emotions. Urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control in your life.

Door
To dream that you are locking doors, suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth.

 

so basically, that dream is what i feel and what my life is like. some stuff is going on with my sister and theres something wrong with my brother that he doesnt want to talk about. when will my family get out of this rut???

things are less than okay. cant explain it. i'm going through the ups and downs of moving back home and having more responsibility than i'm used to... esp the fact now theres a baby involved. i love him to death though. i just want to be out of this rut. i hate being like this. sometimes i'm fine. other times i'm worthless. ah go away depression. now.

in other news, once we adopt martin were changing his name because right now he's a "junior." i just want to take off the jr and change his middle name. mom wants to change his first name and use it as his middle. idk. he's already used to his real first name... plus it's really cute.

my aunt came over with martin's brother, michael. it's weird, b ut they know that they're brothers. it's this connection. they were very loving towards each other, more than if martin was playing with a random baby. they were only together for a month because martin was 10 months old when mikey was born and they were taken away four weeks later. its just so cute. martin even said "mikey" when looking at him. i have pictures i will post later.

it's been a month and my computer is still sitting in my trunk. bleh.

people have gotten old; emotionally and physically. i still can't get over that i'm turning 20 in april. i don't want to.

i'm taking online classes with ucf. i think i'm changing my life plan again. oh uncertainty.

Christmas was good depite the momentary drama and ER visit. The baby was sick with a 104 degree fever and had blisters under his tongue from the fever. First we went to one hospital where we waited 1 1/2 hours to only wait another 4 hours to be seen. We decided to go to another hospital where we were in and out of the ER in an hour. On the way some stupid redneck cussed out the window because we were in the wrong lane. On Christmas Eve. Whatever.

I'm getting my guitar sometime this week when my mom is feeling better. She's been throwing up for the past two days, which means, I'm taking care of the baby and her and running errands for my grandmother, because shes confined to a wheelchair, even though everyone knows shes faking [in the rehab clinic she could walk but now she cant??]. I move back home and already the responsibility is overwhelming. I don't want kids anytime soon, btw.

For Christmas, I got a Chanel Chance perfume set, pajamas, a cookbook, a Monet umbrella, Malibu flavored chocolate truffles, and a cool moon and star thing for my rear view mirror on my car. Erica got me a Hogwarts keychain and a flask that says Reb T. Awesome.

I'm still sleeping on the couch. I haven't got a chance to move my bed into my sisters room, which means my stuff is still sitting in my car.

I went to the movies with Renee, Erica, and Zack and saw The Family Stone, it was okay. I still think we should have seen The Chronicles of Narnia.




I want to tell the world, but I don't need the pity or the lectures. Blah.

so driving back to orlando yesterday from hudson, i usually take state road 52 to I75 to 50, which i did. on 75 almost to the 50 exit, there was a cop car on the pulled over to the side with a tow truck towing a car. and of course, im nosy, i llok to see whats going on and there, on the side of the road, covered with a blue tarp, was a dead person. lovely. to make matters worse, on 50 right after the forest part when you get no reception, there was a dead cow on the side of the road, in the breakdown lane on its back with its feet in the air. yeah, a cow.

my grandmother fell while at target today and broke her leg and/or hip. i'm waiting for my mom to call and tell me what's exactly wrong.

i'll be moved out by friday, just to let everyone who cares know.

things are getting better.

i don't think i can spiral anymore.

somethings wrong. really wrong.

and i don't know how to fix it.

Last night I had a dream about buying Q-tips.... large amounts of Q-tips.

I've always hated taking pills. I refuse to take Advil for cramps or headaches just because I despise taking them. I think I don't like taking Advil unless I think I'm going to die because I'm afraid of developing resistance to the ibprofin. Ah who knows. I hate that I have to take pills everyday to make me feel better. Damn you depression due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. In fact, I despise my brain. I despise myself. I said I wasn't going to do that shit. But nope, I did it anyway. I let myself down, again. Why do I constantly do that to myself? There's so many things on my mind. I should start taking my meds again. I hate not talking to my friends. I'm sick of being friends with people who don't care about me. But I know they caare, even if I do only see them months at a time. I wish I went to the party Saturday night. just wasn't in the mood to see people [sorry Alex]. Stupid internet isn't working, again. Fuck you internet. My life is wasted in front of a computer screen because of you. My mom says that my dad, who is 5'11" weighs 135 lbs now. When we moved to Florida June 2003 he weighed 225. He looks horrible the last couple of times I've been home. He's withering away. Now I remember why I wanted to be a Medical Scientist. There are so many diseases in the world. Misfits. Your songs are morbid but I thoroughly enjoy them. My stomach hurts again. BLah I hate complaining. And I hate people hurting my feelings. It still hurts. I can't wait to get out of here. I love my friends who support me and understand what's going through my head. Especially Richard. Slutty, slutty Rich. I'm sick of fake people. I love seeing old friends. I look forward to the times to come with old friends who I haven't seen in two years. I hate christmas. I wish I was back in my old house with the furnace, the smell of potpouri in the den. coming in from the freezing cold and putting our feet near the heater. Mom making hot chocolate. Fighting with John And Jenni about who hot the better vent. We're so old. It's depressing. Next year at this time I'll be 20, JOhn 19, Jenni 17. Holy crap then 21, 20, 18. Wow. My whole life I want to grow up and be an adult, now I just want to be a kid. Boo to responsiblities. And tummy aches. :(

I have strept throat. I diagnosed myself according to WebMD: fever, swollen glands/tonsils, white pouches on glands/tonsils. It also said strep should be gone in 3-7 days with or without antibiotics. So i'm opting the no antibiotics option. I can't afford to get them. I don't have insurance. Blah. So i didn't go to work yesterday, or today, and possibly not tomorrow. I always get fricken sick when I start a new job. I think my body does it on purpose. Or maybe it's a subconscience thing and I make myself sick.... Interesting.

So I've decided I am moving back home for good. I think I'm moving out the second or third week of December. It all depends if I can get my loan money early. I'm starting to pack this weekend.


I don't feel like typing anymore. Maybe later.

hmm.. since everyone is updating on how awesome their thanksgiving was, i thought i would share mine.

i drove home wednesday. got like no sleep. baby was sick. ate dinner with the family. food was good. went ans saw harry potter with my sister. didn't feel so well but i thought i was just full. my mom had called when me and my sister were in the theater and said her stomach was sick and wanted a slurpee from 711. so we went. got home aout 1030. decided to drive back to orlando because i had to work 230-12 on friday. called my mom when i got home at 1230 am friday morning. she said she had been throwing up since i left. i said it must have been from the baby.

woke up friday about 8 with a bad stomach ache. i thought it was the chicken meal i had before i went to bed. ended up having diarrhea. went to walgreens to get some immodium and ginger ale. came back home. layed in my bed. thought i was going to puke but stayed in bed and threw up in my sheets. apparently, everyone except my sister was sick with the same thing. we all ate the turkey, she didn't.

so yeah. my first case of food poisioning. i had to call into work. i was mad. i'm sure target was too. oh well.

i haven't thrown up in a long time and i like pulled a musicle in my tongue/esauphogus/neck. not to pleasant. i've been laying on the couch while my sheets have been in the wash. there's nothing on tv. i'm feeling better now. but my stomach still hurts. so im going to lay down.

why do things have to change? why do people have to change? i know people change and grow apart but i can't understand why it happens so quickly. was i just a 'friend' because there was no one else to hang out with? considering most of your friends lived in hudson, and your one guy friend was constantly with his girlfriend, was i just a last resort? was i only invited over to hang out because there was no one else? we had some really good times. i thought you were my friend. you acted like you were my friend. are you just a good actor when you want something? clearly when you started hanging out with people from work and your friends moved here i was completely out of the pictutre, no longer a friend. more as an acquaintance. you broke up with your girlfriend who i happen to be roommates with, as well as one of my best and closest friends. is that why you don't talk to me anymore? because of her? i don't understand. but thanks for hurting me. thanks for letting people see a weak side of me that i didn't want them to see. thanks for making me cry. thank you for the pain of losing a friend when really i don't think you were a friend in the first place. thank you for letting me see the real you.

so fuck you and your new friends. they're dirty anyway.





i'm at such a low point right now. i don't like myself anymore. i need to stop everything and take care of myself. for real this time.

I'm quitting Bath and Body Works. I'm ON CALL Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I am not officially working.... I'm just on call. Seriously, wtf?? When I'm hired, I expect to work. SO fuck that shit.

So today I went and picked up my one and only paycheck from Bath and Body and I did a little shopping. I bought new sheets for my bed and a shirt..... and two pairs of shoes. I know, I know. I'm a shoe-aholic. I need an intervention. I did need black pumps because I'll need them when I start Paul Mitchell. And everyone needs a pair of black heels. Then I saw these other shoes... sooooo cute! They're black with white stitching across the toes with this white flower on the side. They're like 4 inch heels. But whatever. Soooo cute!! lol.

On the way back I decided to stop in Target next to the Oviedo Mall and apply. I was expecting to fill out an application and they would eventually call me back, as in never. And of course, I talked to the operator after I completed the app and she said they would like an on-the-spot interview. Wonderful. Here I am, in jeans and a Chuck's Seafood Restaurant (which is no longer in Ft. Pierce.. it go destroyed by Hurricane Charley last year) with my hair totally gross and no makeup. Heh. So I waited forever because the Manager was busy. I did my interview. They liked me. I was hired on the spot. And the good thing is I can have piercing and my hair all crazy. They don't care.

Now I go for my drug test on Monday. I did take a hit of the GB 2 weeks ago. Hopefully it's out of my system. I was reading that THC can last in your system from anywhere between 2 days to 11 weeks, depending on your metabolism and how often you smoke. Considering I only took one hit and I don't get high on a regualr basis, I'm praying it's out of my system. I REALLY need this job. Plus, they are willing to give me 35+ hours a week. I really need the money.

So depending how that goes, I'm planning to go to Hudson next week. My mom needs me home and I miss my brothers and sister. I was thinking about being younger and all the memories w/ John and Jenny. I really miss them. My brother is heading to boot camp in July. It's weird. Him and my siter fight all the time. I told him things change when you leave home. I know he'll miss her when he's over in Texas. I know I miss them both and I'm just two and a half hours away.

Plus, I miss my cats. :)

( oh and here's a pic of me from graduation... yikes. )